In my last post, I talked about using affirming statements as a way of uplifting others, boosting motivation, and reinforcing desired behaviors. My experience is that well-chosen words can have an immediate and lasting impact. I now want to go one step further by sharing the skill of affirming others, specific steps that will make your affirmations all the more powerful.
Affirming Statements
Of course, there are many ways we affirm others, many nonverbal. Smiling, showing respect, being willing to listen, and displaying kindness all affirm others. But we also do it more formally through our words.
At home, this is offering simple, age-appropriate phrases that build up and help someone feel good about themselves. Imagine whispering in the ear of a two-year-old,
- “I love your smile.”
- “I’m so lucky to be your mommy.”
- “It is so fun holding you in my lap.”
Of course, you’re not going to say the same things to a teenager. It may sound more like:
- “I love how you do your hair.”
- “It’s okay to have your feelings.”
- “It took a great deal of courage for you to stick up for your friend.”
These are not superficial statements. They require that you “tune in” to your children/teens to know them and understand their world.
A Deeper Affirmation
Most of the time, affirming is a compliment or praise about someone’s performance or what they have done. For example, “I appreciate how you completed such a challenging project efficiently and on time. It was a great contribution to our team.” But sometimes it is even more. It recognizes someone’s way of being—the way she has expressed her inner strengths or values through actions she has taken. Here are a few examples of this kind of affirming statements.
- “I respect your tenacity and courage to continue seeking what is really important to you.”
- “I was aware of your honesty with some of your team members when it would have been easier to be quiet and let things slide.”
- “I appreciate your willingness to take a risk by speaking in front of a large audience when public speaking is so frightening to you.”
- “It took a great deal of honesty to have that discussion with a co-worker. Even though you didn’t like the response you got back, I want to acknowledge that you acted from personal integrity.”
A Personal Example
As a teen, I recall the day we awoke to the news that our father had lost an election to the state legislature. It was particularly devastating since he had just served as speaker of the house in a legislature that had accomplished much and been voted by the national legislative council as the most effective legislature in the country.
To this day, I recall the words of a friend of our family on a day when we awoke to the news that our father had lost an election to the state legislature. “It must be devastating to lose when you sacrificed so much for the good of our state.” It was hard to swallow the loss, but the friends attunement and acknowledgment of my father’s feelings offered our family some welcome comfort.
Engagement
The key to affirming is engagement. This means that it is not enough to periodically comment on what someone does or offer faint praise as a prelude to criticism. Rather, affirming requires that you see someone deeply enough that you know what’s going on and can make statements that truly make a difference.
Steps of Affirming
Let offer you four steps in the affirming skill.
Step one: Describe the behavior you have observed.
This doesn’t have to involve a lot of words. It is okay to be succinct and to the point. “I noticed that you fed the dog last night without being prompted.” “I love that you consistently get your reports in on time.” Or, “I noticed you taking time with Dave when he was struggling last week.” Or, “I have had a number of people tell me that they appreciate that they can talk openly with you.”
Step two: Describe the consequences of their behavior including how you feel.
“It helps our family when you show such initiative and self-responsibility.” “Getting these reports in makes our entire operation flow smoothly and lets me know that I can count on you.” Or, “You have a positive impact on so many members of the team. They want to work with you.”
Step three: Listen to comments.
Pause and give the other person an opportunity to respond.
Step four: Express a final appreciation.
“Thanks for being a contributor.” Or, “I really appreciate what you do for this business.”
As you can tell from the steps of affirming, the skill is not faint praise. Nor is it designed to make someone feel good momentarily. These need to be thoughtful statements that reflect your heart-felt appreciation for effort, a task well-done or deeper trait that makes a difference to others.
If your statements are not sincere or grounded in a deeper knowledge of someone, they can cause negative reactions. Suppose you walk out of a staff meeting and co-worker says, “Gee, you have such a brilliant mind. You make such great comments.” It might lead you to
- Denial (“Oh yeah! I wish it were true.”)
- Doubt (“She doesn’t know me very well.”)
- Threat and anxiety (“But how will I look at our next meeting?”)
- Feelings of manipulation (“What does he want from me?”)
Guidelines
So here are some guidelines to make sure your statements are helpful. The more of these guidelines you meet, the more effective your feedback will be. Good feedback is:
Specific
This means there is sufficient detail for the person to understand exactly what is meant. Instead of saying someone did a good job of running the meeting, you would share, “The purpose of the meeting was clear, the agenda well prepared, you stayed within time guidelines, and did a good job keeping people on task.”
Descriptive
This focuses attention on the behavior rather than the person. Rather than “You are awesome,” a descriptive comment sounds like, “The comments you made in staff meeting were clear and to the point and they helped us all better understand the issue.”
Accurate
Make sure you have done your homework and have the facts straight. Not only should it be correct but should not be exaggerated or distorted for your personal agenda.
Appropriate
This means that the feedback is helpful and relevant to the situation and needs of the individual receiving it.
Sincere
The receiver must feel that it is not superficial or phony but that you really mean it.
Application
So as I come to the end of this article, I want you to consider a time in your life when you received positive feedback or an affirmation that was meaningful to you. Consider the impact it had on you.
And then I want to invite you to consider people around you, at home, work or in your church of community, that need to hear your affirming words. Using the steps and guidelines from this lesson, what might you say to them?
I want to encourage you to use the affirming skill frequently. Not only will it make a difference to them, but will come back to you in the form of respect, goodwill, and healthier relationships.
