Many couples genuinely want to honor one another—and still end up hurting each other.
They try to be thoughtful, avoid certain topics, and make sacrifices. And yet, resentment grows, intimacy fades, or conversations feel increasingly tense.
Generally, the problem is a misunderstanding of what honor in marriage actually requires rather than a lack of goodwill. Here’s the thing:
Honor is not agreement
One of the most common myths in marriage is that honoring your spouse means:
- Agreeing more often
- Avoiding disagreement
- Letting things go indefinitely
In reality, chronic agreement usually hides fear—fear of conflict, disapproval, or emotional distance.
True honor does not mean sameness. It means respectful differentiation.
When “being nice” backfires
Consider a familiar pattern.
One partner avoids raising concerns to keep things calm. The other senses distance but doesn’t know why. Over time, the unspoken issues grow heavier, and the relationship begins to feel strained—despite everyone “trying to be nice.”
In this dynamic:
- Silence replaces honesty
- Peace replaces intimacy
- Politeness replaces connection
Ironically, the attempt to honor the relationship ends up weakening it.
Honor as emotional safety
In healthy marriages, honor shows up less as agreement and more as emotional safety.
Emotional safety means:
- You can be yourself without fear of punishment
- Differences are handled with curiosity rather than contempt
- Boundaries are respected, not argued away
A spouse feels honored when they are taken seriously—not managed, corrected, or dismissed.
A short example
Lisa used to soften her concerns until they barely sounded like concerns at all. She believed she was being respectful. Her husband, Aaron, experienced her as distant and disengaged.
When Lisa finally spoke more directly—owning her feelings without blaming—Aaron was surprised. The conversation wasn’t easy, but it was real. Over time, he felt more trusted, not less. She felt more present, not more selfish.
Honor didn’t come from avoiding discomfort. It came from staying engaged with integrity.
Practicing honor in everyday moments
Honoring your spouse often looks like:
- Listening without preparing a defense
- Allowing your partner’s feelings to exist without correcting them
- Speaking honestly without moral superiority
- Respecting differences without withdrawal
These small moments, practiced consistently, build trust far more reliably than grand gestures.
Why this habit matters
Marriage is not sustained by compatibility alone. It’s sustained by how partners treat one another when they disagree, feel hurt, or grow in different directions.
In Six Habits of a Healthy Relationship, I describe honor as a daily practice of seeing your spouse as a full, autonomous person—neither idealized nor diminished. When couples learn this habit, conflict becomes safer, communication becomes clearer, and intimacy has room to grow.
Honor, practiced well, does not erase differences. It makes space for love to mature.
