“Mind if I have a seat?” Hal asked, timidly.
She shrugged, making no move to put down the test she was correcting.
He sat on the love seat in the bay window facing the bed. As he opened his mouth to speak, he realized just how much humility was going to be required to accept personal responsibility. He would have to give up his pride, his need to “win.” Abandon his self-justifying thoughts and the urge to defend his ego. Earlier in the day, this had seemed like an exciting idea, but at the moment, he felt vulnerable. He wanted to turn and walk away.
“I owe you a huge apology for not calling Sam and my father today . . .”
from The Hero’s Choice by Roger K. Allen
Choosing Instead of Blaming
When it comes to improving your relationships, it’s about keeping your long-term goals in mind during sensitive conversations. It’s all about choosing instead of blaming, being intentional instead of reactive. Here are some tips.
- Take it slow. As you become aware of a concern in a relationship, spend a few days simply paying attention to the dynamics. You don’t have to solve it immediately. Step back and watch. Maybe you’ll discover some things you’re doing to contribute to the problem. And if you do decide that you need to discuss the issue with your partner, do it gently, with an eye toward resolution, not accusation. Whatever you do, don’t unload a truckload of concerns on your partner in a single painful session.
- Remember to preserve the relationship. You and your loved one are on the same team, mutually dependent on each other’s success. If you succeed in winning an argument by making your partner lose, you’ve both lost.
- Change the definition of argument. Arguments should go beyond the basic definition of exposing disagreements. It’s critical that both of you are satisfied that your point has been fully made and understood, but that is only the beginning. While you may not end the “argument” in total agreement on every point, you need to end it with both of you feeling united in purpose.
- Abandon your self-justifying thoughts. It is so easy, during conflict, to seek to prove ourselves right. However, as Hal learned, you do damage to all involved in a conflict if your goal is to be right through self-justifying thoughts. Let go of these thoughts. Seek to understand. Nurture your relationship and you’ll be far more successful.
Healing Through Vulnerability
Healing weak areas of your relationship requires a commitment to choosing connection more than blaming. This requires a willingness to be vulnerable. Expect to feel uncomfortable. In fact, when you do feel uncomfortable, that might be a clue that you’re on the right track – taking the steps you need to take to achieve open up good conversations and better relationships.
