The dictionary defines respect as “to hold in high regard; to feel or show honor or esteem towards something or someone.” When we respect someone, we make positive assumptions about their worth, capability, or potential. These assumptions guide how we act towards them.
So often we think of respect as something someone must earn. In other words, some people deserve our respect and other people do not, as a consequence of their character or actions (at least our interpretation of their character or actions).
A Different Way of Thinking
But what if we thought about respect differently, not as something someone must earn but rather as a quality of benevolence or grace which we cultivate within ourselves and gift to others? Perhaps it has more to do with our way of seeing and being than it does their actions. How would that change how we interact with our loved ones as well as extended network of relationships?
How We Show Respect
We communicate respect in many different ways—through our words, body language, attentiveness, curiosity, ability to hear someone out, or giving of our time. We show respect as we:
- See people as real with needs and feelings just like our own
- Honor their boundaries
- Grant them the right to their opinions and values
- Let go of trying to fix them or convince them they are wrong
- Listen rather than defending your own point of view during a disagreement
- Wonder what it’s like to live in their skin
- Observe them when they are not watching
- Speak courteously, even during problems and disagreements
- Allow them space to be upset and imperfect
- Forgive by letting go of your judgments and negative energy about their foibles
- Show interest and curiosity
- Join them in their world
- Talk about things that are important to them
- Listen attentively as they speak
The Pygmalion Effect
Research shows that when people feel respected they are more likely to collaborate, perform well, and achieve more. This is called the Pygmalion effect which was artfully demonstrated in the movie “My Fair Lady.” Eliza Doolittle, a rough-edged flower vendor is gradually transformed, with the help of Professor Higgins, into a confident and eloquent woman. As stated by Eliza Doolittle, “The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated.”
I would suggest that both achievement and maturation are natural consequences of being in a relationship with someone who believes in us and treats us decently. Respect is at the heart of these relationships.
Equals Relations
One way of showing respect is cultivating equals relations. By this I mean viewing ourselves as no better or lesser than others. It is so easy to unconsciously judge people (and ourselves) along a vertical dimension in which we feel better than or lesser than based on any of many social demographics or personality factors—money, status, popularity, power, looks, intelligence, and so on. These natural, unconscious, and implicit comparisons not only subvert respect but eventually undercut the quality of our relationships.
Considering this, here are four ways we can relate to others which reflect the kinds of judgments we make about the worth and potential of both ourselves and others.
I Value Me, I Don’t Value You
One attitude is I value me, I don’t value you. I might feel this way if I live in a better neighborhood or drive a nicer car, have more status in the community or perceive that I’m smarter or more beautiful than you. Although we don’t think or speak these words aloud, we often make such subliminal judgments.
So imagine what it would be like if I said these words to you. “I value me, I don’t value you.” What would be the impact on you? Do you know people who assume this attitude? What is it like? Are there times when you assume this attitude towards others? As you can tell, this attitude communicates superiority and dominance. I’m better than you. I have more value than you and so I might ignore you or even talk down to you. Unconsciously, I view others as “objects” rather than human beings who either hinder or support me in getting what I want. I may intimidate people and get their compliance but at a high long-term cost in terms of human relationships.
I Value You, I Don’t Value Me
A second attitude is I value you, I don’t value me. I put myself down. I feel inferior to you for any number of reasons whether due to low self-esteem or my judgements about the importance of various social symbols of success. But can you imagine me using these words: “I value you. I don’t value you me?” What would that be like? Does it make you uncomfortable? Again, we don’t usually use words to communicate this message. But this attitude comes across when we feel inferior to someone. We then accommodate or act submissively. Maybe we try to please them or do and say things to get them to like or approve of us. Or perhaps we just stay away from them or try to have as little to do with them as possible. Whatever tactics we use if we feel this way, the long-term consequences are unhealthy.
I Don’t Value Me, I Don’t Value You
A third attitude is I don’t value me, I don’t value you. Although less common, this is the message of two people who bond over their feelings of inferiority. From their self-made and lowly perch, it is common for them to sing the tune “ain’t life awful” as they seek solace by blaming the world and putting others down.
I Value Me, I Value You
A fourth attitude is I value me, I value you. In human terms, we are equal, each worthy of respect. This respect doesn’t come from money, status, popularity, power, looks, intelligence, and so on. It comes from a recognition of our common humanity and our commitment to gift one another benevolence and grace. Of course, this is the relationship that we want to cultivate with people. It is within this relationship that I can look into another’s eyes and relate to him or her with mutual respect and decency.
Suppose you and I are standing face to face and I say these words. “I value me and I value you.” What does this feel like? Each party feels important, accepted, and trusted. We feel safe. We can be open and disclosing. We want to work out our differences in a mutually beneficial way. This is the foundation for a healthy relationship. And although we don’t use the words, we can sense when we’re in such an equals relationship. In fact, we are drawn to people who come from this place.
Of course, an equals-relationship doesn’t mean we have equal authority. A parent or boss has greater authority and will need to use that authority as we go about our day-to-day business. But in human terms, we view one another as good, whole, capable and worthy of respect. We bring a basic decency to our relationships and communicate in both verbal and, more importantly, nonverbal ways that we both count.
What About You?
Have you ever had that type of relationship? Think about someone who comes from this place—I value me and I value you. Perhaps it’s a good friend, teacher, mentor, role model, or someone who made a difference in your life. What was or is it like to be in a relationship with this person? Would you like to carry this attitude into other parts of your life?
It starts with you, you know. It’s a place you come from that I’m talking about. And I suggest it’s an attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. As you treat others with respect, they are far more likely to behave in a respectful way within your relationship.
Please feel free to leave a comment. Can you tell us about a friend, teacher, mentor, or boss who treated you with respect. How did it help shape your life?
