Can You Say It Out Loud Without Starting a Fight?

“Mind if I have a seat?” he asked, timidly.

She shrugged, making no move to put down the test she was correcting.

He sat on the love seat in the bay window facing the bed.  As he opened his mouth to speak, he realized just how much humility was going to be required to accept personal responsibility.  He would have to give up his pride, his need to “win.”  Abandon his self-justifying thoughts and the urge to defend his ego.  Earlier in the day, this had seemed like an exciting idea, but at the moment, he felt vulnerable.  He wanted to turn and walk away.

“I owe you a huge apology for not calling Sam and my father today . . .”

from The Hero’s Choice by Roger K. AllenWhen it comes to self actualization, it’s all about keeping your true goals in mind during Key Moments.  It’s all about choosing instead of blaming, being intentional instead of reactionary.

  • Take it slow. Now that you’re aware of your concerns, spend a few days paying attention to the dynamic surrounding them.  You may have tagged “fun” as an area of concern, but now that you’re aware of it, maybe you’ll discover some things you’re doing to contribute to the problem.  And if you do decide that you need to discuss the issue with your partner, do it gently, with an eye toward resolution, not accusation.  Whatever you do, don’t unload a truckload of concerns on your partner in a single painful session.
  • Remember the relationship.   You and your partner are on the same team, mutually dependant on each other’s success.  If you succeed in winning an argument by making your partner lose, you’ve both lost.
  • Change the definition of argument. Arguments, at least between you and your partner, should go beyond the basic definition of “discussion expressing disagreement.”  It’s critical that both of you are satisfied that your point has been fully made and understood, but that is only the beginning.  While you may not end the “argument” in total agreement on every point, but you need to end it with both of you feeling united in purpose.
  • Abandon your self-justifying thoughts. As Hal learned, you can either protect yourself and your pride, or you can  nurture the relationship.

Healing weak areas of your relationship requires a commitment and a willingness to be vulnerable.  Expect to feel uncomfortable.  In fact, when you do feel uncomfortable, that might be a clue that you’re on the right track – taking the steps you need to take to achieve self actualization.

Roger K. Allen, Ph.D. is an expert in personal transformation, leadership, and teams. His tools and methods have helped hundreds of businesses and tens of thousands of people transform the ways they work and live. To learn more, visit www.theheroschoice.com.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Write Your Story

    Once you submit your story, I'll review it and get back to you. This may take a few days. I'll let you know when it will be published and invite you to then share your post with your friends and family.