Imagine that Trish, an 8th grader, comes home from school and throws her books on the floor.
Mom responds, “Hey, you don’t throw books. You come and pick these up, right now, young lady.”
Trish turns and runs up to her room in tears, ignoring her mom’s “Get back here.”
An Anxious Mom
Fuming and a little worried, Mom picks up her books and goes up to Trisha’s room. “Hey, what’s going on? Why are you so upset?”
Trish: “I hate Elizabeth and Maria. I’m never going to talk to them again.”
Mom: “Oh, you don’t mean that. They’re your best friends.”
Trish: “Were my best friends. I hope I never see them again.”
Mom: “Well that’s not likely. You see them every day at school.”
Trish: “Then maybe I’m not going back.”
Mom: “You’re not serious. Listen, what happened? Why are you so upset?”
Trish, through her tears: “Because they sat at a different table today at lunch. They sat with Meg and Sonia, who I can’t stand. I couldn’t believe it. That really hurt mom.”
Mom: “Did something happen? They wouldn’t have made that decision for nothing. What did you do?”
Trish: “I didn’t do anything. Why can’t you take my side for once? They’re just mean and selfish.”
Mom: “I’ll tell you what, if they’re mean and selfish then you’re better off not having them as friends. You don’t need that. Listen, Trish, there are lots of kids at school. Who else could you hang out with?”
Trish: “Mom, I don’t want to hang out with anyone. Everybody is so mean. Nobody likes me.”
Mom: “Come on. You don’t mean that. Lots of people like you.”
Trish: “How do you know? You’re not at my school every day. You don’t know what it’s like to be me.”
Mom: “Well no, but I went through middle school and high school and I understand what goes on there. Kids say and do things that they don’t really mean. I’m sure there are plenty of kids who like you and would be happy to hang out with you.”
Trish: “Okay mom. Thanks for the words of wisdom but no thanks. I’d just like to be left alone.”
Mom: “Well, come down in a few minutes. I have some milk and cookies. That’ll help you feel better.”
Responding from Anxiety
Mom loves her daughter deeply and wants what is best for her. But her daughter’s feelings trigger her own fears and so she responds to Trish in ways that are more harmful than helpful.
I understand because I’ve been there. I’ve certainly responded poorly to my children as well as other loved ones in a moment of their need. I sometimes want to make them (really myself) feel better and so I fail to hear what they are saying or I dismiss what they are feeling. Or I want to offer them suggestions that I believe will make things better (in part so I don’t have to deal with their difficult emotions).
But with greater awareness and emotionally intelligent communication, I can learn to respond in a more helpful way. It starts as I process my own emotions first so I can then help others process theirs. How can I help others if I’m acting from my own fears and anxieties?
It is important to learn that I don’t need to make myself over-responsible for others, even my children. I don’t need to fix things for them. I don’t need them to feel happy so I can feel happy. If I can understand and process my own emotions, then I can learn to be there for another without bringing my own emotional baggage and unfinished business into the situation.
Emotionally Intelligent Communication
Let’s get back to my example. But this time, Mom is in a better place to respond to Trish. She has done some of her own emotional work. Certainly, she’s concerned but also non-reactive as Trish expresses her feelings. She’s also clear about Trisha’s responsibility for her own life. She trusts Trish to figure out how to handle this drama (with her help) and so she goes back with a new approach.
Trish comes home from school and throws her books on the floor.
Mom: “Hey, what’s going on? You’re pretty mad about something.”
Trish: “I am. I hate Elizabeth and Maria and I’m never going to talk to them again.”
Mom: “They’ve really upset you. You’re mad enough to end your friendship.”
Trish: “Yes. They are about the meanest and most selfish people in the whole world.”
Mom: “Tell me about it. What happened?”
Trish, crying: “I went to lunch today and couldn’t find them at our usual table. We always meet there for lunch. So I looked around and saw them sitting at another table. And you know who was next to them? Sonia and Meg.”
Mom: “Yeah?”
Trish: “Last year Sonia told me I was a know-it-all and she couldn’t stand me. She was the meanest girl. She got half the girls in our class to hate me. I’ve stayed away from her all year.”
Responding with Empathy
Mom: “And now your best friends are sitting with her at lunch. That really has to hurt.”
Trish: “It does. Just seeing them together made me feel so bad. So I sat and ate lunch by myself and it hurt so much to see them talking and laughing. And once I saw all of them even looking at me. I know they were talking about me. Sonia has turned them against me. They don’t want to have anything to do with me.”
Mom: “Oh, honey, you’re feeling so rejected and all alone.”
Trish sobs for a few minutes. Her mom opens her arms and Trish lets her mother put her arms around her.
After a few minutes, as the crying subsides, Mom says, “What a hard experience.” They sit quietly with mom holding Trish and gently rubbing her back.
Reframing Trish’s Perspective
Mom: “Can I share a couple of thoughts with you Trish? I can’t make everything all better but I have a perspective I’d like to share.”
Trish: “Okay.”
Mom: “You’re making some guesses about what Maria and Elizabeth are thinking about you right now. You don’t really know why they sat next to Sonia and Meg. And you don’t really know what they think about you. I call it mindreading when you guess about what’s going on in someone else’s head without checking it out. Do you know what I mean?”
Trish: “I guess. But why didn’t they come and talk to me? They seemed so unfriendly.”
Mom: “But would you agree you don’t know for sure how they’re feeling?”
“Trish: “I suppose.”
Mom: “And when we don’t know, our fears get the best of us and we assume the worst. Is it possible you’re doing that with Maria and Elizabeth?”
Trish: “Maybe, but what else am I supposed to think?”
Mom: “Can we explore this? So often the problem is not what’s happening but rather the way we’re looking at it. Can we brainstorm some other ways of thinking about what happened today that leave you feeling better, that aren’t based on your worst fears?” (Trish would not be open to this, by the way, if her mom had not first shown deep empathy and let Trish express her deeper feelings.)
They explore this together and come up with some new explanations for her girlfriends’ behavior.
- “Sonia invited them and they didn’t know what to say. They don’t want her to be mad at them.”
- “They didn’t see me. I was a little late getting to lunch and so they found another place to sit.”
- “They weren’t talking about me when they were laughing.”
- “Sonia feels bad about last year and wants to be friends with us.”
- “They like me and Sonia and Meg. They aren’t sure how to have a friendship with all of us.”
A Deeper Reframing
After exploring some new ways of thinking about the incident, Mom asks if she can share another thought. “What others think about you isn’t as important as what you think about you. Whose opinion matters more to you, your own or Elizabeth’s?”
Trish: “I guess my own.”
Mom: “So what do you think about you. Are you deserving of having a good friend?”
Trish, tearing up: “Yes, I’m a good friend, Mom.”
Mom: “How so?”
Trish rattles off several ways she’s a good friend.
Mom: “Are you a good friend even if Elizabeth doesn’t think so?”
Trish: “Yes.”
Mom: “How does that feel?”
Trish: “It feels good.”
Mom: “Does it make it easier to talk to her?”
Trish: “Yes. It’ll really hurt if she doesn’t want anything to do with me, but not as much.”
Moving into Problem-Solving
Mom: “So let’s talk about what you can do. How will you handle it when you see them tomorrow? Where are you likely to be? What will you do and say?”
Trish: “I’ll see them in home room. We sit next to each other.”
Mom: “So, what might you do?”
Trish: “You know, it would be easiest if I could talk to Elizabeth without Maria. We’ve been friends since second grade. I know her better. It’s harder when the two of them are together.”
Mom: “Okay. How could you make that happen?”
Trish thinks. “Her older brother drops her off. She gets there about quarter after eight. I could text her and see if we could talk in the morning.”
Mom and Trish then talk about how a conversation could go between Trish and Elizabeth. Mom asks questions like, “What is the worst that could happen?” “What is the best?” “What is most likely?” “What could you say or do if this or that happens?” “Could you support yourself even if Elizabeth is not friendly?”
By the end of the conversation Trish is thinking and feeling differently about what’s happening. Although she feels some trepidation, she’s reached a new level of confidence and is ready to talk to her friend. Of course, it helps to know that her mother is there for her. She knows she can talk to her mother whatever the outcome of her talk with Elizabeth.
Let’s Debrief this Interaction
Mom starts by listening which makes it safe for Trish to open up. She’s learning that it is okay, even healthy, to feel her emotions. This is how she learns to deal with the hard things of life. She doesn’t need to fear or distract herself from her feelings. They are part of life. By feeling them and talking about them, she gradually learns that they don’t have to be overwhelming.
She’s also learning that her mother is a safe place. It feels good to know she has someone to turn to when things are hard.
Then Mom moves from listening to helping Trish see and challenge some of her limiting beliefs. “What might be some other explanations for what happened yesterday?” And, “Who’s opinion matters more to you, yours or Elizabeth’s?” Now Mom is helping her view herself and the situation from a more mature attitude.
Ultimately, we all need to learn that outside circumstances are less important than how we think. By learning to detect and challenge distorted thinking, we grow in self-confidence and our ability to handle life. Mom also played that role.
Finally, her mother then helps Trish think through new behaviors—what she can say and do to solve this problem. Of course, this may go on for a while and maybe Trish will need to talk about her feelings more as they go through this process. But Mom is helping her move forward in a strengthening way. Notice that she keeps the responsibility on Trish. She doesn’t jump in to tell her what to do. She asks.
Of course, how this conversation goes depends, in part, on Trish’s level of awareness and self-responsibility. If not emotionally mature, Mom may need to play a more active role in helping her come up with a plan by actively making suggestions (as options not solutions). But it’s best if she can ask questions and let Trish take as much of this responsibility as possible before she steps in with her thoughts or advice.
Being Clear about Outcomes
In my last blog post, I talked about being clear about the outcomes you desire in your interactions with others. Can you see evidence of this in how Mom interacts with Trish? Mom wants to respond to her daughter in ways that build trust within their relationship. She wants her daughter to come to her when she struggles.
Mom also wants to enhance her daughter’s self-esteem which she does as she offers support, listens, and validates her feelings and point of view.
Notice how her mother helps her grow in emotional maturity and self-responsibility by not over-reacting to Trish and, instead, guiding her through a process of thinking deeply about what is happening and even reframing the meaning she has given her own worth as well as her friend’s behavior.
Helping Trish solve this problem is critical. But Mom wants to do it in a way that helps her daughter learn and grow; to become more capable of managing her life.
Personal Application
I hope, from my example, that you are gaining insight into how to communicate with people in strengthening ways. Doing so takes awareness, commitment, and lots of practice. But if the flow of this conversation between Trish and her mom makes sense to you, then you are on your way.
Can you think of a relationship in which you can practice these principles we’ve been discussing?
To accelerate your learning, consider enrolling in my online course: Communication Skills Masterclass: A Blueprint for Home and Work.
