We all want to feel seen and valued. At our core, we long to know that we matter—that our actions, presence, and efforts are recognized by others. One of the most powerful ways to meet this need is through the skill of affirming others: recognizing people for their contributions, character, or efforts in a sincere and specific way.

Affirming others isn’t just about being nice. Done well, it can uplift a person’s sense of worth, boost motivation, and reinforce positive behavior. A few well-chosen words can have a life-changing impact.

A Story That Stuck for a Lifetime

Let me tell you a story from a 90-year-old friend named Robert. He shared something that happened when he was just nine years old—a memory that stayed vivid eight decades later.

One afternoon, he came home from school to find a strange car in the driveway. Curious, he slipped quietly through the back door and overheard his parents chatting with visitors in the living room. They were laughing and reminiscing. Then, his father said something unexpected:

“What time is it? Robert should be home soon. You know, he’s the best boy—just nine, but I’m so proud of him. He helps around the farm without being asked, gathers the cows after school, and milks them every day without a complaint. He’s a good boy.”

Hearing this, Robert quietly backed out the door and went to do his chores—but this time, they didn’t feel like chores. His heart was full. Those words left an indelible mark. He remembered them for a lifetime. They shaped his work ethic, deepened his sense of responsibility, and became part of his identity.

Why Affirming Others Matters

Think back: Have someone’s kind words ever changed how you saw yourself or motivated you to do better? We all want and deserve to hear such words from others. That’s the power of affirmation.

Here are some reasons that affirming others is so important:

1. Boosts self-esteem and confidence.

When you affirm someone, you’re essentially telling them that you see their positive qualities and that they are worthy of love and respect. This can significantly improve their self-esteem and confidence.

2. Strengthens relationships.

Affirmations strengthen our relationships by fostering a sense of connection and belonging. When you affirm someone, you’re showing them that you care and appreciate them, which builds trust and helps them feel more comfortable opening up.

3. Creates a positive environment.

When people feel affirmed, they are more likely to be positive, optimistic, and motivated. This creates a ripple effect, leading to a more positive and supportive environment overall.

4. Encourages growth and development.

By highlighting someone’s strengths and potential, affirmations can inspire them to grow and develop further. When people feel supported, they are more likely to take risks and pursue their goals.

5. Helps in challenging times.

Affirmations can be particularly powerful during difficult times. Offering words of encouragement and support can help someone feel less alone and more capable of overcoming obstacles.

A Troubling Reality

Sadly, we are not very good at recognizing and affirming people whether at home or on the job. We are far more attuned to what we don’t like than what we do like. In fact, researchers have sat in homes of families and recorded their interactions by making a tic mark every time they hear a positive, affirming comment and a tic mark for every criticism or negative comment. Consistently, there are at least five criticisms for every positive comment. And that’s with a guest sitting in your living room.

The research from John Gottman and others suggests that the magic ratio is just the opposite. We need to hear 5 positive messages for every negative message if we are to thrive.

Whether you’re a leader, parent, teacher, or friend, your words can shape how people see themselves. And they especially matter in strained relationships. In fact, affirmation can be a bridge in times of tension, opening the door to renewed trust.

A Simple Challenge

Start today. Catch someone doing something right—something helpful, kind, responsible, or just true to their best self—and share some affirming words. Your statement can’t be phony or faint praise. It must be sincere and specific, not a global statement like, “You’re so awesome” which sets someone up to dismiss your words. It might sound like:

• “I love how you helped out without being asked.”
• “I always enjoy talking to you.”
• “I’m really glad you’re part of my team.”
• “I love how you spoke up to defend your friend.”
• “This is what I appreciate about you….”

Then pause and notice.

How does the other person respond? How do you think they feel? How do you feel? What are the consequences of such a statement in your relationship?

Although there are many skills to strengthen people and build your relationship, this is certainly one that is underused and yet goes a long way.