I think of goodwill as an attitude which is friendly, kind, benevolent, helpful, or cooperative. Someone expressing goodwill radiates not only friendliness but openness and trust towards others as opposed to hostility and annoyance.
Take just a moment to consider someone you know who comes from goodwill. Those in their presence feel seen and valued, something we all desire. So building goodwill is a critical skill not only for connecting but maintaining positive relationships.
A Warm Greeting
Let me share a story of when I learned this lesson. I was on a business trip to Puerto Rico. As customary during many of my visits to the beautiful city of San Juan, I was staying at the Beach Club and Waterfront Hotel. Prior to beginning my first workday, I took a seat in the hotel’s small restaurant for a quick breakfast. No sooner than I sat down, I looked out a window and saw the hotel doorman standing outside on the steps into the hotel, maybe 30 feet from where I was seated. We saw each other at the same moment. He smiled and waved and Eduardo, as I’d come to know him, immediately disappeared into the hotel.
Next thing I knew he was in the restaurant, a big smile on his face, walking directing towards me. “Hi Mr. Allen. It is so good to see you.” A handshake was not enough. He gave me a big abrazo (warm hug), then stepped back and said, “You look so good. How are you and your family? And what brings you back to our enchanted island?”
How Could I Not Smile?
I could not help but smile at Eduardo’s goodwill as I answered him. His questions were more than token. He listened intently, eyes locked on mine.
“Thank you, Eduardo” I remember thinking as he returned to his post where he’d spend the next several hours greeting and helping guests, “for the gift of cheer and lesson in goodwill, for prompting a shift inside me from preoccupation to joy, for reminding me of what is most important today.”
Of course I had talked with Eduardo on prior occasions as I stood outside the hotel door, awaiting a car to take me to my appointments for the day. Inevitably, Eduardo would greet me with a broad, sweeping gesture and point towards the ocean. “Welcome to my office.” He’d grin and tell me how happy he was to be alive. Then he would recount the blessings of his life.
Sure he had problems. A divorce some years back; living alone; a struggling son; a lack of money to fix up his house or travel to the states. But these were minor. Where would he rather be? What would he rather be doing? The hotel employees and guests were his family. Life was beautiful.
A Reminder of What Matters
I like to think of Eduardo. His memory touches my heart and reminds me of what is important. He reminds me of the person I aspire to be, a humble man filled with love, goodwill, and gratitude for the abundance of life. Being with him is a lesson in building goodwill.
How often do you go to work or out in public with your head down hoping to avoid interacting with the world around you? This is human and there are many good reasons to want our privacy and space. And yet it is by opening ourselves up to interacting with the world around us that magic happens. We smile and someone smiles back, or we look someone in the eyes and offer a kind “Good morning” or “Hello” and two people feel better.
We All Experience Hardship
Something we all share in common is hardship. Maybe someone is stressed by their work, gotten some bad news, had their heart broken, failed a test, or just had a hard day. Offering a smile, a greeting or some kind words may be just what they need to feel a bit more hopeful and keep going.
I like to think of it this way. We all get to make a decision as we wake up in the morning and throughout the day. Will we adapt to a cold and harsh world or bring friendship and goodwill and, in that way, change it? Perhaps the biggest impact we can have on a challenging world is to respond to others with warmth and goodwill. And doing so has an incredible impact on the quality of our relationships with others.
Although a few people come from this place quite naturally, it’s something we can all develop and by doing so improve the quality of our relationships and ability to positively influence other people. I want to suggest that this skill, if I can call it that, is central to our happiness and success.
What Would People Say about Your Demeanor?
So ask yourself the question, how would people around you describe your basic demeanor? What would others say about how you come across? In truth, people are attracted to others who are open and friendly. They like how friendliness makes them feel. Of course, you probably have a group of friends or family towards whom you’re very friendly. Would you be willing to expand that circle to include most people you encounter every day?
Awareness and Intentionality
Let’s explore tactics to bring goodwill and kindness to your relationships, at home or work. To begin, you have to be intentional. You have to commit to being positive and friendly and then practice it every day. It’s not like you can do it for one morning or two and the habit is going to stick. You’ll need to be more conscious and deliberate in your demeanor and attitude.
Think of it like learning to practice any new skill. You’ll get better as you practice. But here’s some really good news. Although some skills, like learning a new language, take months to notice much progress, you’ll reap the rewards of goodwill immediately and daily. It’s not so much a matter of mastering the skill as reminding yourself to use the skill, to come from this place as you interact with others. And as you mindfully practice goodwill, it will become second nature and change your life as well as that of people around you. So let’s explore some ways to do this.
A Warm Smile
One simple way to bring goodwill is to smile. A warm smile is like a magnet. We’re drawn to people who smile. I was at an event just last night with a large crowd of people and there was one woman who seemed to have a permanent smile etched in her face. It was beautiful and it made her beautiful. I couldn’t help but watch her throughout the night and found myself mirroring her smile and it reinforced that smiling is a great way to build trust and goodwill. A genuine smile is also contagious.
Greet Others Enthusiastically
“Hi my friend,” “Good morning,” or “It is really good to see you or talk to you” are positive ways of greeting others. This could be your family members first thing in the morning or when your first see your friends or co-workers.
I think of how easy it is to do this with young children. It is so natural to greet them warmly, more warmly than we talk to the adults in our lives. “Good morning. It is so good to see you this morning,” followed by a big hug. Such enthusiasm is warm and friendly. It lets people know you like them. And, it is also contagious. We know from neuroscience that we have mirror neurons in our brains which cause us to mimic the behavior of others, especially those who are important to us. A bad mood is contagious. So are love and goodwill.
Look People in the Eye
Building goodwill includes looking people in the eye. It is about being fully present with them, without distractions as you speak. Have you ever been talking to someone who seemed to be scanning the room, more interested in what was going on around them than being present with you? Contrast that with someone who gave you their full attention. What a difference. And so we want to do the latter—be fully present, mentally as well as physically, with the person in front of us in this moment.
Call People by Name
Goodwill includes calling people by name. Using someone’s name lets them know that you see them. It is a signal of respect that not only establishes deeper connection but recognizes their identity and helps them feel good about themselves. There is nothing so precious to people as the sound of their own name.
Be Curious
Another way to bring goodwill is to be curious and interested in people. Being curious and then listening are among the best ways to build trust and goodwill. It lets people know that you are not just interested but that you care.
Pay Attention to your Body Language
Pay attention to the signals you put out through your body language, tone of voice and facial expressions which make a difference in how you’re received. What do your body language and facial expressions communicate? And what about your tone of voice? Make sure your tone is not harsh but rather warm and friendly.
Be Inclusive
Being inclusive is another way to build goodwill and positive relationships. If you walk into a new group of people, acknowledge everyone and not just a single person you may know. If appropriate, introduce yourself. However, be aware and respectful of interactions already going on by not inserting yourself or blocking others or pulling someone to yourself. And do your best to not leave people out. Be aware of others and pull them into conversations so everyone who desires gets some air time.
Accept People
You also build goodwill as you let go of critical and judgmental attitudes and accept people for who they are. It isn’t your job to change them or mold them into someone you think they ought to be. This doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes need to give people feedback and confront harmful behavior. But it also works to offer grace for people’s foibles, things that may be part of who they are and are not likely to change. We want to enjoy rather than change them.
Closely related to accepting people is not holding on to mistakes of others. Sometimes people will do or say something that hurts. That’s because we’re human. It may be good to bring it up and try to talk it through. Can you apologize to each other for mistakes? Then let it go and move on.
Refuse to Gossip
And it is especially important that you not gossip. Don’t say things to others that you wouldn’t be willing to say in their presence. Nothing destroys trust and goodwill like talking about someone behind their back. It’s easy to do. In fact, we often bond with others by talking about someone else. But that’s really an immature way to build relationships. It isn’t helpful and even undermines your trustworthiness with those with whom you are engaging in gossip, long term. How much more trust and respect you’ll gain from everyone if people know that you aren’t someone who criticizes others behind their backs.
Keep Confidences
It’s also imperative to keep confidences and respect boundaries and privacy. The more time you spend together the more likely you will be to share sensitive or confidential information with each other. Don’t ever talk to someone else about something a friend, family member or colleague has revealed in confidence. Many relationships have been ruined because of spilled secrets. And this includes never posting something online without getting someone’s permission.
Take Ownership
Take ownership of your mistakes. If something has not gone well, take responsibility for your part rather than blaming or making excuses. This can include when you’re playing or observing a game or sporting event. Don’t blame or yell at the referee or coach. Acknowledge how you contributed to the problem and how you can do better in the future.
Express Gratitude
Do you offer your gratitude whenever someone does something that benefits you. Say “Thank-you” often as you notice people doing something you appreciate or which makes your life easier. Notice and give thanks for their good work. If you receive a gift, send a note thanking them.
Pitch In
In addition to expressing gratitude, pitch in and help out if you are in a group setting and aware that something needs to be done. Maybe food is being prepared or an area is being cleaned up. Don’t let others wait on your or even wait to be asked to help. Ask what you can do to help or, even better, see a need and take the initiative to be helpful.
Do What You Say
Another way to build goodwill is to do what you say you’ll do. If you make a commitment, then keep the commitment. If something changes then be upfront about it by letting someone know early. This kind of behavior shows respect and builds trust.
Are You a “Giver” or “Taker?”
So let me conclude this post by saying that I’ve offered several keys to building goodwill. The list is not comprehensive. Perhaps you can come up with more. However, something important about all of them is that they put the responsibility on you to build positive relationships. That’s the key. You’re not waiting on someone else. Taking responsibility makes you a “giver” rather than “taker” in your personal/social relationships. By doing so, you start a positive, expansive cycle in which others enjoy being with you and naturally want to give to you in positive ways.
Let me leave you with a challenge to start using these goodwill strategies immediately, every day. Be conscious. Be intentional and see if you can incorporate some of them into your daily behavior. One way to do this is to start small. Choose one to focus on for a day or even up to a week. Remind yourself to practice it each day. As you practice you’ll get better and not only will your relationships improve but you’ll feel a greater sense of enjoyment and joy in your life. You’re learning that small and simple things can make a difference.
And, please, share a thought below.
