The temptation to fix
When relationships feel strained, most of us default to the same strategy: figure out what the other person is doing wrong—and try to get them to change.
We offer advice they didn’t ask for. We repeat ourselves more forcefully. We explain our position again, hoping clarity will finally land. Or we withdraw and wait for them to notice.
Sometimes this works briefly. More often, it backfires.
What’s going on?
Change efforts often trigger resistance
When one person, say a spouse, takes on the role of fixer, the other almost inevitably feels judged, controlled, or inadequate—even if the intent was loving.
The result is predictable:
- Resentment replaces openness
- Power struggles replace collaboration
- Emotional distance grows
Ironically, the harder we try to change someone else, the more stuck the relationship becomes.
A counterintuitive truth
Here’s the truth most couples discover the hard way: Lasting relational change almost always begins with self-change.
This isn’t because one person is “the problem,” but because influence flows from respect and responsibility, not pressure.
This is where the skill of self-responsibility—which I introduced in my previous article—moves from an internal practice to a relational one.
A Short Story
For years, Craig believed the main problem in his marriage was simple: his wife wouldn’t talk things through.
Whenever something bothered her, she grew quiet. Craig, who processed out loud, felt shut out and anxious. He tried everything he could think of—asking questions, pushing for conversations, explaining why talking things out was important. The more he pushed, the more she withdrew–one of the toxic patterns of marriage that kill love.
Both felt justified and both felt misunderstood.
At some point, Craig realized that although he couldn’t control whether his wife opened up, he could take responsibility for how he responded to her silence. He noticed that his questions often came with urgency and pressure—especially when he was already feeling afraid of losing connection.
Instead of pushing, he tried something different. The next time she went quiet, he said, calmly, “I notice I’m feeling anxious when things go quiet. I’m going to take a break and come back later. When you’re ready, I’d really like to hear what’s going on for you.”
Then he did something that surprised both of them—he followed through. He stopped pressing. He regulated himself. He came back later to listen, not interrogate.
Although his wife didn’t suddenly become a talker, she began opening up more often. The reason was not because she was persuaded to open up but because she felt less cornered. The pattern between them changed, and the relationship softened.
Craig didn’t fix his wife. He changed the dance they were doing together. And in doing so, he gained far more influence than he ever had through pressure.
From self-responsibility to relational influence
Self-responsibility doesn’t mean ignoring issues or tolerating harm. It means shifting from control to clarity.
Instead of:
- “You always…”
- “You never…”
- “Why can’t you just…”
The conversation sounds more like:
- “Here’s what I’m experiencing.”
- “Here’s what I need.”
- “Here’s what I’m willing to take responsibility for.”
This shift does three powerful things:
- It lowers defensiveness
- It increases trust
- It invites collaboration instead of resistance
People are far more open to change when they feel respected rather than managed.
A relational practice: Changing the pattern, not the person
The next time you feel stuck in a recurring conflict, try this together—or on your own first:
- Identify the pattern, not the person
- “We tend to escalate when we’re tired.”
- Name your own contribution clearly and calmly
- “I raise my voice when I feel unheard.”
- Make a clean request, not a demand
- “Would you be willing to pause the conversation when we notice that happening?”
Notice how different this feels from trying to convince, pressure, or correct.
Why this matters for long-term love
Most couples don’t fail because they don’t care. They struggle because they unknowingly repeat patterns that keep them locked in opposition.
Self-responsibility is the doorway out of those patterns. It restores agency without blame and opens the possibility of repair without humiliation.
In Six Habits of a Healthy Relationship, I describe this as the first habit because it sets the tone for everything that follows—communication, conflict, intimacy, and shared meaning.
When one person changes how they show up, the relationship system shifts. And from that shift, real change becomes possible.
