Living from my higher self
If you’ve read The Hero’s Choice, or followed me for very long, then you’re familiar with the Serenity Model, which suggests four different ways of being–Survival (all about fear and just getting by), Security (about being safe and pleasing others), Success (about achieving and accomplishing), and Serenity (about living consciously, from choice).
Serenity
Serenity is more than a quiet, meditative approach to life. In fact, as I live from this place, I’m alive, aware and fully engaged. I also get that what matters most is not “outside”–my bank account, job title, house, fame, performance (how many games/contracts I win). Not that these are not important. I climb a mountain. I build a business. I give the game my best. But the mountain, the business, the game are no longer the end. They are the means to a higher end–the end of being fully conscious, present, and responsible for my life. The end of living from the “inside out, in which nothing is bigger than my ability to choose my response and how I’ll live. A new way of living based on a new set of rules.
Making Good Choices
When living in Serenity, life feels meaningful, whole and complete. Rather than struggling, I find inner harmony by being present to the moment and learning to make good choices, even in difficult circumstances. Not that this is easy. But, slowly, that ability to make good, strengthening choices leads me to high self-esteem and a deep sense of confidence and well-being. I can trust myself rather than live in fear and anxiety. I trust the goodness and abundance of life. I feel more connected with the infinite, God. I accept responsibility for myself, not just my accomplishments, but also my reactions and inner experience. I cease to see myself as acted upon by circumstances, events, and others but recognize my own choice-making as primary in creating both my inner experience and outer reality.
Asking Deeper Questions
I become less preoccupied with ego and appearances. Although I set goals and achieve, I also ask deeper questions related to my “being.” “Who am I?” What is my purpose?” “How do I want to live?” From the answers to these questions, my life takes on more meaning. Accomplishments are a means and not simply an end. I’m less frantic about my goals. I don’t demand perfection of myself but seek to do as much as possible with the talents I have been given. I learn that the inner qualities of love, joy and peace are, in the long-run, more enduring than outward successes.
Relationships
My personal relationships are enjoyable and not an after-thought. I become more interested in others and want to reach out to them in service and love. I let go of judgments and truly care. I want to “win” in my interactions with others, but also want them to “win.” When things go wrong I’ll deal with them openly and without manipulation. The world feels like a good and friendly place. What resonates for you?
Growth is a Conscious Process
Growth is a conscious process. It doesn’t happen simply by reading words on a page. You have to make it happen by doing something with those words.
That’s something I like to do, periodically–think about an aspect of serenity and commit to living it for a day or week. Right now, my focus is on being fully present and conscious. When in this mode (mood), I like to eliminate media distractions (TV, radio, newspaper, online news, i-tunes) and pay attention to the simple act of eating my breakfast, washing dishes, going for a run, whatever. I like to notice the feelings that wash over me during the day, but without acting them out. Being present centers me. It helps me get in touch with a calmer place in side.
On another occasion, I may focus on seeing and trusting the goodness of life. On another occasion, choosing to let go of “perfectionism” and value the talents I’ve been given. On another occasion, I quieting the chatter in my head that keeps me from being “with” another person, so I really look at them and appreciate their goodness or point of view. And so on.
I don’t believe that changing my focus in this way is so much about developing a particular attribute as “coming from” that attribute. It is already in me, often buried. I simply want to access it and live from it. Doing so is a deliberate choice. And the more I do so the easier it becomes and not because I’ve changed but because I’m trusting who I really am.
How Can You Live from Serenity?
So take a few minutes to think about this question. What part of the serenity description resonates with you, today? Identify it. Perhaps even write it down. Then consider–how do you choose to live it today and over the next few days? Remember, we don’t become who we are meant to be by the mere passage of time, but by deciding. The only way to change is to change. And, if you choose, leave a comment, sharing your experience with others.
I’ve been rewarded from the heros choice and from your continuing thoughts and inspiration.
They are always though provoking and stimulate me towards living with more meaning.
Thank you Merlin. I write what has meaning for me and so am always pleased when it touches others, as well.
Dr. Allen,
First let me say how much I enjoy your newsletter and how I look forward to receiving it. Your message/thoughts always seem so appropriate for what is happening in my life.
Recently, my Father finished his journey in this life. Though I have lost loved ones before, this awful blanket of grief is suffocating. It doesn’t seem to matter how much faith I have or haven’t, the sadness is so consuming. Is there anything other than time, that will ease this heaviness in my heart and mind?
With Kindest Regards,
Candy
Hi Candy,
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I’d be interested in knowing more about his role and meaning in your life.
There certainly are no quick fixes. Rather than a goal of getting over this incredible loss, I’d suggest you honor (rather than resist) the grief. Be with it. Feel it. Explore it. Do this with trusted other if you have someone who can be with you in a nonjudgmental way and simply listen, validate and accept your experience. Let yourself learn from the grief-what is its purpose? Why does it persist? What lessons does it have to teach you?
And, if you could talk to your father, what would you say? What are your deepest thoughts and feelings about him? How has he influenced you? What have you learned from him? How have you been shaped by him (good and bad)?
What do you believe you would be giving up or losing to say “goodbye” to him? Is that true? What happens as you hold onto that believe? What if something else were true? What might that be? How would it be to live from that belief?
What responsibility do you need to “take back” from him (for your happiness, self-esteem, emotional well-being)? What responsibility do you need to “give back” to him (his happiness, self-esteem, relationships, well-being, etc.)? What decisions have you made that keep you holding on to him? What new decisions do you need to make to move forward? What would you need to reframe and see differently?
Just some thoughts. Let me know how you’re doing.
Thank you, Roger for your words of wisdom. Having known you for many years, I’m very aware that you truly practice what you preach. You are an example of living in serenity and living an abundant life. Serenity for me comes from recognizing all the “Tender Mercies” that occur in my life, no matter how small, and being grateful for them. I try to live by the motto, “expect less, give more”.
Diane Nolen
I appreciate, Diane, that you are aware of the “tender mercies” of life given some of the challenges you are facing. It is all about perspective and attitude, isn’t it.
Roger – I have to share with you what recently happened… I keep extra copies of your book on my book shelf so that I have one or two to give away whenever I feel the inspiration to do so; my 78 year old mother, unknown to me, perused through my titles, found and choose The Hero’s Choice. The next time I visited her she told me that she had just finished reading the best book – she shared with me some of her insights and how much she enjoyed it. “That book sounds familiar,” I told her, “what was the name of it?” “The Hero’s Choice,” she replied. I couldn’t help but smile as I explained to her that it was written by my friend and that I had taken your seminar. I think the thing that touched me most was that my mother has MS and as she is aging the pain and difficulties have increased; but I have never – no not ever – heard her complain and now that I attend the same Church that she has been a part of for years, I have learned of the abundance she has been able to deliver and give to others. She is truly loved and appreciated and the tenderness which she has so freely given is coming back in her hour of need in a million different ways. she is a testament to the abundant life.
Diana
Thank you for sharing this story, Diana. It is so nice to hear about your mother. What a wonderful example of someone who has plenty of reasons to complain and be unhappy but has chosen, instead, to live an abundant life.
I more than appreciate this article. Recently, I’ve been so blessed to have found someone who is so filled with love and goodness, and more than that, he lives out that love in so many ways. It’s really helped me to open my heart again and experience a love that I dreamed about but didn’t really think was possible anymore. Everything you said really strikes a chord with me. Especially the part about having all of these abilities inside of us, and just finding our way to accessing them. And also, of course, where you mentioned how we need to live out our love, not just read about it. What are your thoughts on boundaries, etc. Growing up in a family with alcoholic parents, there were little boundaries, not much regard for the sacredness of life or respecting one another.. It’s very difficult to trust others or to know how to show love/act/be sometimes.. Any thoughts on this? I think today, I’m not going to be too tough on myself. I’m going to focus on relaxing and enjoying life! Thanks again!!!!!
Congratulations on finding someone filled with love and goodness and for opening your heart to feel that love. It is hard to trust and let love in when boundaries have been violated. It is easy to become reactive and self-protective.
When we are children we don’t have the wherewithal to set boundaries for ourselves. We lack the awareness, resources and emotional maturity to do so. Boundaries are set from the outside in, that is by the adults in our lives. Of course, parents in dysfunctional families don’t set boundaries. It is easy for their children to feel disrespected or unimportant and to grow up learning to defend themselves from others or to constantly please others. Parents in nurturing homes, on the other hand, set boundaries around their children. They see them as “beings” in their own right who deserve to be treated with kindness, love and respect. These children internalize this message and so grow up to feel good about themselves and to expect people to treat them well.
But, here is the good news. As I mature, I can realize that boundaries are not set outside-in (by others) but rather inside-out (by myself). I can learn to respect myself enough to set my own boundaries–to know how to say “no,” to ask for what I want and need, to take good care of myself in my relationships with others. I let them know how to treat me. Of course, I have to stop giving so much power to my original care-givers. I have to take responsibility for myself to do this. Then I can love myself and build good, healthy relationships with others.