We are rational and emotional beings. We often assume that our ability to reason is our highest attribute. Perhaps. But I’d suggest that we’re more than thinking machines. We feel, and from our feelings emerges the depth and richness of our lives.
As you know, I’m a student of happiness and believer in the field of positive psychology and science of happiness. We know a lot about what makes people happy and most of us can increase our happiness by understanding and applying these strategies.
Nevertheless, and paradoxically, the pursuit of happiness is not about eliminating or disallowing negative moods and feelings. (In fact, in my last blog, I talked about the importance of feeling the sadness and other emotions that come with our “Goodbyes.”) Negative emotion is not the opposite of happiness. In fact, consider that we wouldn’t even know the meaning of happiness (or optimism, hope, joy, excitement, love) if not for their opposites. A full and meaningful life includes negative feelings.
So don’t make the mistake of believing that you can’t be happy, or something is wrong with you, or that you’re not a good person because you feel negative emotions. As human beings we all experience a myriad of negative emotions.
Although people have published lists that include hundreds of different emotions or at least nuances of emotion, here are the most common. Most negative emotions could be considered as variations of these themes.
By definition these emotions don’t feel good and so we often deny, minimize, avoid, or distract ourselves from feeling them through various mind-numbing or addictive behaviors which only sets us up to act them out in unhealthy ways. An alternative is to recognize them as inevitable, even necessary to our growth. In general, our negative feelings help us:
To be more specific, anger can help us better honor or take care of ourselves when someone has crossed a boundary or is treating us poorly.
Fear and anxiety can prompt us to be cautious and use good judgment.
Guilt makes us more moral beings. It helps us become more socially sensitive and caring than we’d otherwise be.
Self-doubt may cause us to take stock of ourselves and develop discipline and skills to be more successful.
Sadness lets us know that we have lost something of value and need to find new sources of comfort or new ways to move on.
Rather than deny, repress, or avoid them, our goal should be to listen to our negative emotions and either learn from them or act on them. Here are some recommendations for dealing with your negative emotions.
I don’t mean for these five steps to sound like a quick fix. There is no such thing when we talk about dealing with negative feelings. But following the steps sets us on a pathway of growth that enriches us, makes us wiser, and gives us the strength to handle the hard things of life.
My purpose is to teach you strategies to replace negative patterns with a positive state of mind from which you can achieve your greatest desires and live a joyful and abundant life.
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"I want so much to express my deepest love and gratitude for teaching me in such a beautiful way those principles of truth that literally changed my life overnight. I have never been happier. The things I learned from you have set me free because I have learned to love myself and to be completely open and honest. It's amazing that I have lived my whole life for others approval but I’m so excited to have the rest of my life to do it my way."
Sally Hollingshead
Your insight has been a gift in our lives at a time when we needed it. Thanks, Roger, am loving hearing about your India adventures.
After reading ‘The Hero’s Choice and now reading this short essay on ‘handling my negative feelings’, you are changing my life for the better 🙂 the negative perspectives I have held onto for so long, masked beneath a happy exterior, are now fading and being replaced by more positive perspectives; my inside is starting to match my outside! thank you!
Thanks Jill. I’m happy to hear that you’re getting a more positive perspective on you life. My best as you continue this journey. Roger
Sending loving thoughts toward India ..can u feel them?
We can. Thank you very much, Pam. Things are going very well.
Dr. Allen,
I have very recently discovered your writings on Facebook and particularly discovered that exerpts from “The Hero’s Choice” are relevant to my own issues with emotional immaturity. I’m a72-Year-old widow, with two grown children, living in a new community and out of touch with most “old friends.” I really think that I have been emotionally immature much of my adult life. Is it too late to correct my old, immature habits and build a new, happier life for myself? Where to start?
Hi Mary. It is never too late to start. Most important is desire which you seem to have. I do have a book and work book. You can start there. Roger