A couple is discussing how to spend the holidays. One partner wants to travel to see family. The other wants to stay home. “We always spend the holidays with your family,” one says.
“That’s not true,” the other replies. “We stayed home two years ago.”
Almost immediately, the conversation becomes an argument about facts. Who is remembering correctly? Whose family has received more time? Who has sacrificed the most? Each person is listening for weaknesses in the other’s argument and gathering evidence for their own. The goal is no longer to understand. It is to win.
Now imagine a different response: “It sounds like spending the holidays with your family is especially important to you this year. Help me understand why.” That question does not resolve the disagreement. But it changes the conversation. It replaces certainty with curiosity. That small shift shows how curiosity changes difficult conversations.
The Problem with Certainty
We naturally enter difficult conversations believing we understand what is happening. We think we know:
- What the other person meant.
- Why they acted as they did.
- What they are trying to accomplish.
We may tell ourselves:
- She doesn’t care what I want.
- He is trying to control the decision.
- She always has to get her way.
- He is avoiding responsibility again.
These conclusions may feel like facts, but they are interpretations. They are stories we create to make sense of another person’s behavior. The truth is that once we become certain that our story is true, we stop looking for additional information. We listen selectively, noticing whatever supports our conclusions and dismissing whatever does not. We ask questions to prove a point rather than expand our understanding. In short, certainty closes a conversation while curiosity opens it.
Curiosity Is More Than Asking Questions
Curiosity is sometimes treated as a communication technique: Ask a few questions before stating your opinion. But genuine curiosity is more than technique. It is an inner posture—a willingness to admit that there may be something we don’t yet understand. It says:
- My perspective is important, but it may not be complete.
- Your behavior affects me, but I may not fully understand what is happening inside you.
- We see this differently, and there may be something I can learn from that difference.
Curiosity requires humility. It asks us to loosen our grip on our assumptions long enough to encounter another person’s reality. This does not mean abandoning discernment or pretending every perspective is equally accurate. It means remaining open to information that might complicate or correct the story we have been telling ourselves.
Difficult Conversations Are Filled with Unknowns
Consider how much we do not know when we enter a difficult conversation. We may not know:
- What the other person intended.
- What pressures they are experiencing.
- What meaning they attached to the event.
- What fear lies beneath their anger.
- What past experience is shaping their reaction.
- What need they are struggling to express.
- How our own behavior affected them.
Even in our closest relationships, we cannot assume we know another person’s inner world. A spouse’s silence may look like indifference but come from fear of making the conflict worse. A teenager’s resistance may appear disrespectful but reflect embarrassment or discouragement. A coworker’s insistence on details may feel controlling but arise from anxiety about being held responsible for the outcome. Our first interpretation may contain some truth. However, it may also miss what matters most. Curiosity helps us discover the difference.
How Curiosity Changes Difficult Conversations
When our goal is to win, we listen for errors. When our goal is to defend ourselves, we listen for accusations. When our goal is to solve the problem quickly, we listen for information we can use.
But when our goal is to understand, we listen differently. We become interested in how the other person arrived at their perspective. We look beneath positions for concerns, values, fears, and needs. We listen not only to the words but to the meaning behind them.
Let’s return to the disagreement about the holidays. The apparent conflict is about whether to travel. But curiosity may reveal something deeper. One spouse may be worried about aging parents and the number of holidays they have left together. The other may feel exhausted from a demanding year and long for a quiet celebration at home with the children. Once these deeper concerns are understood, the conversation is no longer simply about whose preference will prevail. The couple can begin looking for a solution that honors both family connection and the need for rest. Even though people seem to be fighting over solutions, they’re actually protecting their important but unspoken needs. Curiosity brings those needs into the conversation.
Three Directions for Curiosity
Curiosity can move in three directions: toward the other person, toward ourselves, and toward the problem we share.
Curiosity About the Other Person
This is the willingness to enter another person’s experience. You might ask:
- “What is most important to you about this?”
- “What concerns you about the option I’m suggesting?”
- “How did you experience what happened?”
- “What were you hoping I would understand?”
- “Is there more you want me to know?”
These questions invite disclosure. They communicate that the other person’s experience matters, even when it differs from your own. The wording matters less than the intention. A perfectly phrased question will not feel curious if your tone is impatient or if you are merely waiting for a chance to refute the answer.
Curiosity About Yourself
Sometimes, the most important questions in a difficult conversation are the ones we ask ourselves.
- “What am I feeling threatened by?”
- “What story am I telling myself about this person?”
- “What am I trying to prove?”
- “What part of this am I reluctant to acknowledge?”
- “How might I be contributing to the pattern between us?”
These questions interrupt our tendency to put the entire problem on someone else. They help us recognize the assumptions, fears, and defensive reactions we bring to the interaction. Such self-curiosity is not self-blame. It is the honest examination necessary for self-responsibility.
Curiosity About the Problem
Once both perspectives are better understood, curiosity can turn toward the challenge itself.
- “What are we trying to accomplish?”
- “What needs must a good solution address?”
- “What have we not considered?”
- “Is there a way to honor what matters most to both of us?”
- “What could we try rather than insisting on one final answer?”
This form of curiosity shifts the relationship from opponents to partners. Instead of arguing across the table, we stand together and look at the problem.
Questions That Are Not Really Questions
Not every question expresses curiosity.
- “Why are you making such a big deal about this?”
- “Don’t you think you’re being unreasonable?”
- “How could you possibly believe that?”
- “What did you expect me to do?”
These may be grammatically phrased as questions, but they are accusations. Their purpose is not to understand but to challenge, shame, or corner the other person. Even the word why can sound accusatory when emotions are high. “Why did you do that?” may be heard as “What is wrong with you?” Often, a more specific invitation works better:
- “What was happening for you when you made that decision?”
- “What led you to see it that way?”
- “Help me understand what you were hoping would happen.”
Genuine questions open up space. False questions make the other person defend themselves.
Curiosity Does Not Require Endless Listening
Curiosity is not passivity. It does not mean suppressing your concerns, tolerating disrespect, or giving another person unlimited time to criticize you. In fact, healthy dialogue includes both inquiry and advocacy—seeking to understand the other person and clearly expressing your own perspective.
You can say:
- “I want to understand how you see this. I also want an opportunity to explain how I experienced it.”
- “I hear that you’re angry, and I’m willing to talk about what happened. I’m not willing to be called names.”
- “I can understand why you reached that conclusion, although I see the situation differently.”
Curiosity and boundaries can coexist. So can empathy and disagreement. This means that the purpose of curiosity is not to surrender your voice. It is to ensure that your response is based on understanding rather than assumptions.
Practicing Curiosity in a Key Moment
Curiosity is most difficult—and most valuable—during a key moment. Something is said. You feel criticized, dismissed, controlled, or misunderstood. Your body tightens, and your mind begins preparing its defense.
This is the moment to pause. Instead of immediately correcting the other person, ask yourself: What might I not understand? That single question can create a small opening. It reminds you that your first interpretation is not the only possible one. You might then say:
- “Tell me more.”
- “Help me understand what you mean.”
- “What is most important to you here?”
Curiosity will not guarantee an easy conversation. The other person may still be upset. You may uncover differences that can’t be quickly resolved. You may hear something uncomfortable about the impact of your behavior. But now you’ll be working with better information. More importantly, you’ll be communicating that the relationship matters more than the need to prove yourself right.
The Courage to Be Curious
It takes courage to remain curious when we feel certain. It exposes us to the possibility that we have misunderstood, contributed to the problem, or overlooked something important. It asks us to listen before defending and learn before judging. Yet curiosity also offers freedom. We no longer have to defend every assumption as if our worth depends on being right. We can approach differences with greater openness, flexibility, and respect. We can allow another person’s experience to enlarge our own. This is how curiosity changes difficult conversations: It helps us listen for what we don’t yet understand.
So during the next difficult conversation, notice when certainty begins to take over. Notice the conclusions you are drawing and the motives you are assigning. Then pause and ask: What is something I do not yet understand? That question may not solve the problem immediately. But it can change the direction of the conversation—from judgment to discovery, from opposition to partnership, and from disconnection toward greater trust. Sometimes one sincere question is enough to create a different key moment—and a different relationship.
Want to bring more curiosity into difficult conversations?
In The Art of Dialogue, I offer a practical process for listening across differences, expressing your perspective, and working toward solutions together. Learn more about The Art of Dialogue.
